That Night We Went Trashy

My girlfreind Cindy has stated on several occasions she doesn’t really want to go to the cinema with me. She’s a girl who likes to take in a picture without the 2 hour post viewing analysis. That’s fine with me, her cinematic approach works for her and provides pleasure…. So does mine. It’s all about recognising and accepting the differences isn’t it?…..

She came to visit at the weekend and, on the promise I didn’t bang on about it afterwards, we went to the movies. Now there was method to the selection. I figured that if we went to see something COMPLETELY trashy, I’d have nothing much to say afterwards, making my promise all the easier to honour. Aliens Vs Monsters seemed like a good bet but the guys from FILMSPOTTING had lots of good things to say about it….. Everything else was extrememly middle of the road (watching real rubbish is always better than merely adequate rubbish) or interesting leaving only one option:


Director Steve Carr’s 5 pictures before this effort give a very clear idea of what was going to be served up on screen. Such memorable movies such as NEXT FRIDAY, DR. DOOLITTLE 2, DADDY DAY CARE, REBOUND and ARE WE DONE YET point towards an experience that was destined to be forgotten as soon as we left the foyer but hey, that was always the intention.

Kevin James (who co wrote the picture) plays Paul Blart, our portly protagonist. Size plays a major part in the plot of this movie as does Hypoglycemia, the condition Blart suffers from that prevented him from being a bona fide state trooper and relegated him the the ranks of mall security guard.


Lacking the respect of just about everyone, Blart spends his time yearning for a crack at the big time of policing and the love of an obligatory attractive mall worker. Fate comes to his rescue when the mall is taken over by the least convincing bunch of terrorists I’ve ever seen on screen who (unsurprisingly) kidnap the object of his desires. He has the chance to earn the respect of his colleagues, the cops and the girl by taking down the crooks and rescuing the kidnapped mall workers, all this unravels in a very DIE HARD-esque fashion….. Yes, it really is that formulaic.

The film is a series of fat / hypoglycemia “jokes” woven together with the aforementioned plot that, at the end of it, makes you want to wash your eyes out with malt vinegar.

That asside, there were laughs in this film…… 2 of them. Cindy was tickled by a scene right at the start when Blart’s 2 wheeled mobility contraption crushed a yappy little dog and I laughed too, not at that scene but somewhere. Thing is I can’t remember what the scene was. Honestly, that’s how forgettable this film is.

Oh, and can anyone guess how everything turns out?

Go see Aliens Vs Monsters……….


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